God's Delight

In this tiny little grief book sent to me by a friend following Jay’s death, I discovered some scripture that helped me so much. The verses were included to offer comfort to me, the bereaved reader:

He reached down from on high

               and took hold of me;

      he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

      from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

      but the Lord was my support.

He brought me into a spacious place;

      he rescued me because he delighted in me.

(Psalm 18:16-19)

The book’s author, H. Norman Wright, explains how I can find solace from my sorrow in this passage. He implores me to comprehend the depths of God’s love for me. “Do you hear how God regards you? He not only loves you; he delights in you.”

This passage overwhelmed me with comfort, but not in the way Dr. Wright intended. You see, I read this psalm and was touched by what it said about Jay more than what it said about me. I read it and was struck by an awesome thought, “God delighted in Jay.” Up until that moment, I hadn’t been completely convinced of that truth (although many had done their best to help me see it.) How could he delight in someone who would take his own life? Didn’t Jay turn his back on God in those final moments? Wouldn’t that anger God?

Unable to arrive at any satisfying resolution to those lingering questions, I was grateful finally to have something that might help. I seized that last line of the excerpt and just held on as hard as I could to that.

God delighted in Jay.

God delighted in Jay!

There were still some lingering doubts. Soon, though, a beautiful realization washed over me. There are two parts. First, throughout the weeks and months since he’s been gone, I’ve never once been angry with Jay. I’ve been profoundly sad that he was in such great pain, that he suffered immensely with no relief. I’ve been haunted by the fact that he faced his struggle alone. But I’ve never been mad at him for what he did. I can’t imagine a day when I ever will be.

And, second, I feel this loss of Jay so deeply because I loved him so deeply...because…yes! I delighted in him! Just like God!

So now I see. My maternal love for Jay – for all my children -- is an earthly example of God’s love for each of them and all of us – tireless, unflinching, unfailing, never ending. My love for Jay is unconditional, as is God’s love for Jay. Nothing can separate Jay from my love as nothing can separate Jay from God’s love. Nothing.

With that in mind, I can read psalm 18 in this new light:

God rescued Jay from his powerful enemy, from his foes, who were too strong for him.

He brought Jay into a spacious place; he rescued him

      because he delighted in him.

What a gift, that psalm. In a time of confusion and darkness and doubt it offered me a much needed glimmer of hope and a gentle nudge in the direction of peace.


Go Forth in Love + Remember Jay