Walking the Mile

I’ve tried desperately to walk in Jay’s shoes, to understand how he got to the point of taking his own life. I feel like if I could put myself in the place of feeling what he felt, that would help make some sense of what, to me, is unimaginable. I keep going over the last months of his life. The time we shared together was positive, joyous, often lighthearted.

Was it not?

Did we miss something?

There was never a time when we observed dramatic changes in his behavior -- no bouts of sadness or withdrawal or irritability, as list after list will tell you you’ll recognize as The Definitive Signs in someone who is struggling. Not that those things weren’t present; he was a teenager after all. But we didn’t see unrelenting spells. How can that be?

I’ve come to imagine that the darkness that threatened Jay was like an overbearing, uninvited beast.

It’s Depression that looks different than the one the lists describe. I imagine it looks something like this: The beast barges in unannounced to terrorize you, his unsuspecting victim. He’s enormous, snarly, threatening, like an armed intruder in the night breathing heavily at your bedside. You’re taken off guard; you’re unprepared and ill-equipped to defend yourself, yet you wrestle with him until you can force him to flee. He may return, but you learn what to do to make him go away.

With the beast fended off, you might feel pretty darn good. You keep up your routine. You do your thing. You may do it with confidence and with humor. There may even be times when you feel like you’ve wrestled that beast once and for all. That could feel exhilarating. You set about taking on the world -- you revel in moments with family and friends, you make plans for the future. Life is good. You’ve got this.

But then that blasted beast returns. Or you start to become haunted by the feeling that he’s lurking just around every corner and now what are you supposed to do?

I thought I was over this?

Is this just going to keep happening?

How can I possibly

Keep

Up

This

Fight

?

The fear and exhaustion must be overwhelming. And at some point, the fighting spirit within you weakens and is replaced by a resolve to stop the madness once and for all.

I can't fault Jay for tiring of the struggle. for wanting to put an end to the beastly battles. I just wish we’d been called in as reinforcements. I wish he knew he didn't have to fight that beast all on his own. We were there. We could have helped.

If you’re battling a beast like the one described above, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed by anything and you’re not sure you can hang on, please ask for help. You can just say any variation of these words that feels right:   I need help | Can you help? | I could use some help.

Or you could just call this number 1-800-273-TALK and say, “Hi, I’m {your name}”

They’ll understand. They’ll take it from there.

Text GO to 741741 -- this too will get you IMMEDIATE assistance.

And if you suspect that someone you know might be fighting this fight, I suggest a simple, “Hey. Are you ok?” And even when they say, :Yeah, I’m good,” you could insist, “Are you sure? Because something doesn’t seem right. You can count on me. I’m here to listen.” Anyone, whether they’re teetering on the edge or not, will appreciate your persistence. I am certain of it.

Go forth in Love. Remember Jay.