Missing Us

I just had an “oh my God, I miss you like crazy” moment. I was talking to Tim. He was heading out to pick up groceries and a couple things I need for my latest organizing project -- this time it’s the laundry room. I had this epiphany that if I just had this one amazing thing, that room will never ever *EVER* be disorganized again. Seriously. I actually believe that. I was describing the life-changing doodad to Tim, in extreme detail, to be sure he would come back with the very item I was thinking of -- not some other thing, which sometimes happens.

So I’m telling him, “It’s a plastic contraption that hangs over the back of a door to keep clothes on hangers. It’s shaped like a triangle, like an isosceles triangle…” 

Tim played right along with me and repeated, “Ok, an isosceles triangle…got it.”

It was right then that I flashed back in time two seconds, and instead of Tim sitting next to me on the couch pretending to listen as he tied his shoes, I could see Jay there reaching down past his knees tugging at the laces of his snazzy new Vans. And in this Jay version I would have said the same thing, “It’s shaped like a triangle, like an isosceles triangle…”

But that would have stopped Jay in his tracks. He would have made a dramatic show of freezing mid-mickey mouse ears and side-eyeing me to quip sarcastically, “Isosceles triangle, huh? What exactly would that look like?"

He might have even turned his full face in my direction at that point and mockingly tucked the heels of his hands under his chin and rested his elbows on the stack of throw pillows between us. I could see him dramatically drumming his fingers to his cheeks as he waited with a smug, Cheshire cat grin that would have squinted up his eyes and made for a look of quasi-captivation.

He would be laughing through his nose as he held this pose intended to make me squirm. Because he would have known just as soon as the words slipped past my lips – I am not exactly sure what an isosceles triangle is. I just thought it would sound super smart to say it in that moment.

In response to this dramatic inquisitive glare I would have mumbled and stumbled and probably googled to confirm that my reference was correct. And he would have rolled his eyes and let slip a hearty “gotcha” chuckle as he fished his keys out of the bucket and took off to do my errands. I even went so far with this vision as to imagine that he texted me later to say he found something at bed bath and beyond, but it was more like an equilateral triangle, would that still be okay?

“LOL,” I imagined I’d text back. “Yes, that would be perfect.”

Oh, Buddy, I long for more moments like this. You get me. I get you. We feel love in a classic you and me exchange.

Instead I’m left desperately awaiting the next daydream that brings me as close as I’ll ever be again to you here on earth -- one where I can almost see you, almost hear you and almost feel your presence right here with me.

It’s daydreams like this one that allow me to experience, if only for a fleeting instant, the familiar heartswells of pure Mom + Jay joy as I imagine us laughing together and delighting in each other’s company, just like always. 

Go Forth in Love + Remember Jay