Enjoy Stress

Some time ago I saw a book review in the Washington Post that caught my eye. The title of the book was Enjoy Stress and somewhere in the subtitle or the first few sentences of the Intro was this quote from the author, “The opposite of being stressed is being dead.” Kind of a crass way of stating a point, but, yeah, I can sort of see it.

That quote reminded me of a time in my life when I rarely felt stress. My days unfolded like the movie Groundhog Day. Same thing. Different Day. No new experiences. No new challenges.

I felt pretty empty at that time. I struggled with what the source of the emptiness might be. Eventually, I realized something: I craved a challenge. But how would I know I was facing one? I came to recognize that when I’m faced with something new, I feel butterflies. I get a little jittery inside. That’s my clue that I’m getting ready to do something that I’m not completely certain how to do or confident in my ability to do it. Butterflies.

I wanted to learn. I wanted to grow. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone! So I resolved, “I want to feel butterflies every day of my life.” If I go a day without butterflies, a day without stress, then I’ve gone a day without trying anything new. To fulfill my resolution, I made a change professionally that offered me plenty of challenges. I often went to work with butterflies as I grew into the role and all its responsibilities.

The feeling of stress to me meant growth. No feelings of stress meant no growth! And who wants that? Who wants a life with no new challenges, nothing new to learn. That can’t be desirable. It certainly isn’t for me.

I think we’ve confused what butterflies represent. “I feel stressed.” has come to mean “I feel overwhelmed.” For some, I fear, feeling butterflies is no longer interpreted as a sign that they are poised for healthy growth and maturation, but instead it’s interpreted as, “Uh-oh. Freak out time!”

It’s important to fix this perspective -- for ourselves and for our kids. Stress is not adversity. Too much stress is. Butterflies are necessary -- they’re proof positive that you’ve stepped outside of your comfort zone and are stretching yourself to learn something new, flex a new muscle, build new skills.You’re getting stronger as a student, a person and/or a professional. Let’s relish those opportunities-- even seek them out!--  and celebrate when we’ve summoned the courage to overcome them. Let’s appreciate these moments as skill-building exercises. They are a necessary part of life if we wish to grow.

So this evening when you’re sitting down for dinner with your family, here’s a question you might pose to the kids: “What did you face today that gave you butterflies?” Adults can answer too (Would set a nice example that challenges continue, even in adulthood, and we often have to summon resources to face them.) The answers may vary.

“I had to take a test in Biology.”

“I got behind in an assignment and had to ask the teacher for more time.”

“I had to talk to a co-worker about comments he made about my work at a meeting.”

“I had to deliver a speech at the Civic Association Meeting.”

“I had to play the chromatic scale in front of the whole band.”

Then follow up with,

“How did thinking about this thing make you feel?”

“How did you face the challenge?”

“Where did you find the confidence to get the job done?”

And most important, don’t forget to ask for a debrief:

“How did you feel when you completed the task?” and “What did you learn from this experience?”

Any and all responses should be celebrated.

What if the answer to the first question above is, “Uh. nothing.” Well, there’s something to address, too.

“Have you set up a plan that is devoid of all challenge?” Or  “Did you see something coming that you sidestepped in order not to have to face it?” In this case, it may be important to plan strategic thinking sessions at the breakfast table. That could sound like this:

“Do you have anything today that has you a little stressed?”

“What’s your plan for facing it?”

All of these conversations above represent exercises that foster resiliency. In leading a discussion like this, you send the signal that stress is a normal part of a life that is filled with healthy challenges. Let’s recognize what an accomplishment it is to persevere in spite of the butterflies and to step boldly into an unknown for the sake of learning and growing as a human.

Enjoy Stress? I don’t know about that! Find a way to face it confidently? Yes, that should be the goal.

Go Forth in Love + Remember Jay

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One important caveat to all of this: you may be the person (or have someone you love) for whom the statement, “I feel stressed.” really does mean, “I feel overwhelmed.” If that is true, please do not mistake this piece as an attempt to discount those very real and often debilitating feelings.

IF

you feel STRESS that you cannot overcome on your own 

OR

you face a persistent stress that doesn’t make sense and will not go away,

you CAN get HELP.

This is not unusual. It happens to many people. But it does require professional intervention. A doctor can help you find relief and make a plan to manage the stress in the future. Please speak up. With help, you will feel better!

Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433 
Immediate Medical Assistance: 911 
Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 

or 

text ANSWER to 839863 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++